THIS is Satan's Champion?
by BlackWolfHowling
Summary: A spinoff of my Story 'Persecution' but can be read by itself. My response to an amusing flame I received. Not to be taken seriously. I apologize to Ill Will for any potential offense that this might bring. This isn't an attack against you, just some fun.


_AN: This is really just me having fun with a flame that I got about three years ago to my story _Persecution_ that never fails to make me laugh. The premise of Satan's champion being "__a heathen atheist who breaths acidic vapors and sounds exactly like Cobra Commander" is more amusing than the flamer claimed my story's premise was. This is also my first attempt at humor, so it might not be very funny._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Ill Will's flame that this story is based off of or Cobra Commander.

* * *

_Deep in one of the blackest pits of Hell, Satan is having a meeting with one of his underlings.

"How goes my latest plot to stop those idiot Christians in their tracks?" Satan asked in a surprisingly nasally voice that he hated. It was part of his punishment for betraying God. Instead of the forms that people depict in art, a giant man with horns, a tail, and a goatee, Satan looked like a short, pimply man with extremely thick glasses and spoke through his nose. His underlings, however, didn't dare laugh. The last time one of them did it was very unpleasant for him. Rumors said he was still trying to escape the land of sunshine, rainbows, and pink ponies that Satan trapped him in those thousands of years ago.

"Lisa and her 'born again' friends are strong, Sire," the underling, who fortunately did not bear the humiliating form of his master, said with an irritated sneer. It appeared, however, that the nasally voice was a punishment for all of the fallen angels. "You might have to summon your champion to take care of them."

"Then summon him already! Do I have to do _everything_ by myself?" Satan complained, acting like a Prima Donna again. This was a thing that his underlings were used to, and like with his appearance, didn't dare laugh about. No one wanted to see what would happen, knowing that the last punishment was so horrible.

"Of course, Sire, right away." With that, the servant disappeared, going the the champion's chamber.

"Don your mask, good champion, our Lord has a mission for you," the servant said before leaving. He privately believed that his Master didn't summon the champion himself because he was jealous of how the champion looked. But every time he went to say that, in brief moments of boldness, he remembered a land of all things terrible and decided that it might be best to keep such comment to himself.

* * *

_ Lisa's house, same afternoon_

Lisa Beldon and her friends were all in her back yard, for once relaxing and enjoying a peaceful Saturday afternoon. They were determined to not think of the Persecution that had been going on for the last few months.

"Susan, put your laptop away. We're relaxing, remember?" Lisa said with a smile at her friend from the year 3040. She personally found it amusing that, over a thousand into the future, people still apparently used laptops. She didn't comment on it, however, since Susan had said in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to answer any questions about the future.

Suddenly a portal opened up in the center of the floor and a person came up out of it. He wore a silver-covered armor with a helmet, a visor covering his eyes, and an odd looking face-mask with holes in it. On his back was a red cloak and his chest-plate had a red cross in a circle, with a slash through it. It looked almost like a 'No Parking' sign, actually, and Lisa had her suspicions that it used to be just that.

"My master, Lord Satan has told me that you are all to be killed," the figure that they were _assuming_ was a man said in a gravelly voice that sounded _exactly_ like Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe Sigma 6 cartoons before laughing manically. Every time he exhaled, a green vapor came out of his mouth through the holes in the mask. Lisa and the others, not wanting to be hit, moved out of the way and watched as the metal fence started to disintegrate from what seemed to be acid breath.

"Question," Susan said, raising her hand as if she were in class. "If your breath is acid, how is your mask still intact?" Her tone and facial expression showed a mocking amusement.

"Well, it-" the champion started, acid breath suddenly gone as Susan pointed out the scientific and logical flaw in it.

"And don't you know that cloaks are over-rated and just make you look more idiotic than you already do?" Steven asked, trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

"Well-"

"And how are you wearing _metal_? It has to be eighty degrees outside," Allis asked, not even trying to contain her amusement.

"Were you in an accident, or do you have one of those devices to make your voice sound that stupid?" Mark asked.

"Stop it! You're all being jerks!" Satan's champion, who though he was still a giant and he still looked like he should be strong in his armor suddenly looked very weak and pathetic. He quickly ran off in tears before running into a tree and deciding to make another portal to leave.

"What just happened?" Susan asked, looking confused but also on the brink of hysterical laughter.

"I don't know, but now I have to find some way to fix the fence before my parents find out," Lisa said as the others stood up to help her.

* * *

_AN: Again, I apologize to Ill Will, whatever your name really is, for any offense that this might have. I'm not personally attacking you, I'm just having some fun because your flame amused me._


End file.
